Use the Holiday Shopping to your Advantage.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize and Write down a plan. Make commitments to new positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions.. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the new start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future with the children.   Many parents start by taking the kids shopping for some new things so they’ll have their own personal “stash” at both houses.   You and the children may need new things.   Let each child make some personal selections of bedding, toiletry and clothing items. Little things like new pajamas, underwear, toothbrush, alarm clock, pillow, sunglasses, towels, shampoo, etc. can make a big difference in helping your children feel more at home in your new home OR in your EX’s new home.  Help the children feel excited about some of the transition process.   A few new toys in this house and a few new toys at the other house, as well as old familiar ones are important at this time of transition. Selecting some DVDs or games together that is part of the new home environment and perhaps a reminder that the future is not that scary.  Remember, you create your own future.  Attitude is everything.

Start New Holiday Traditions

Take time to develop (write them down) new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Remembering past holiday traditions or events of the past can set you into a downward negative spiral.  Start something new.    Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or church.  I had this example in a previous post:  First, write down  – in great detail – what is that you will do.  Here is an example:   Easter Sunday.   I have the Children this year:   We will wake up early and go to Service in the Park, outdoors, at sunrise.  We can invite our other friends that have young children.  The more children present, the more likely this will be a great experience for you and you kids.   We will go to brunch at (children’s favorite place – it may have to be McDonalds) After brunch we can visit my mom, dad, sister, aunt, or anyone that brings joy to me and my children.  We will all go together and buy flowers and perhaps some chocolates as a gift with (some chocolates for the children of course) – after lunch, we can have more friends over – or- a quiet family movie night.  Get the picture?  Plan, Plan, Plan for a better  (next) Holiday.

More to come on the topic on my next post….

Include others.

Take advantage of the holidays to circulate and re-connect with family you may have not seen in a while and old friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet new people. Avoid people who drag you down the memory lane or pry into your private life.  Do not go back in time with loved ones.  Tell them that you are healing and focusing on a better tomorrow.  Pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you if you need it.  You will find that you are never alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.  Invite others to give you their opinion on how they survived and what the process was like for them.  A good therapist, a best friend, a mentor, a good divorce support group or church group, a good book on the topic, are just few of the tools you can add to your tool box as you move forward.   You may need to make a call or reach out for guidance or support during the holidays, when you will likely be more prone to think about the painful past.   Put together you tool box BEFORE you need it.  Write it down, develop it, implement it.

More to come on the topic on my next post….

Focus on lifting the spirits.

Gratitude is a way of living that reminds us of our blessings.  Gratitude is an attitude you can improve upon.  Your children will learn from you and will copy your gratitude towards them and others.   Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your good health?  Are the children healthy? Do you have the income to purchase a few holiday gifts, however small?    Many people are not so fortunate, and your children can be made aware (gently) that others are not as fortunate as they are.    Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with other less fortunate, volunteer at a shelter with the children or at a retirement home.  You will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!  Be kind and gentle towards your EX, regardless of what had happened. The children are watching you every moment. Remember, you create your own future.  Attitude is everything.

More to come on the topic on my next post….

Be good to you first. Than plan a better Holiday next time.

Divorce and the stress that comes with divorce can take its toll on your self-esteem. And the children are watching.  It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life.  Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.   Write down what you like about yourself and what you do not.   Write down how you plan to overcome your negatives.  If you tend to overreact and be stressed when you have to cook, clean, bake, and decorate your house, wrap presents, write invitations and send Holiday Cards (all at once, of course) – create a plan IN WRITING, how you will take time and do it better next time.  Less is more – Quality over Quantity should be the guide.   Again, plan (in writing), to be a better you for YOU and YOUR children.

Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for all the good you have and all the good that you bring to others.

More to come on the topic on my next post….

Painful memories of difficult times or happier times are common around Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day or any other holiday or celebration.   You can acknowledge the past for what it was and refocus on the new future with a fresh attitude.   Hard to do? Yes.  Impossible?  No.  Others have done it and so will you.  You can value the good times you might have had together and choose to let go. You can choose to move on and create new, fresh, bright loving memories again.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the “what if.”  We should still be a family today. He or She should be ashamed of what he/she is doing to us/me.  He/ She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas EVE. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn’t. You get the idea…   OR, my family and friends will think less of me because the children are not with me on Easter Sunday.  Get the picture?
Use the next major Holiday in your life as a marker for starting a new tradition for yourself and the children. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you and the kids as you allow it to be, as you  create it.   Close the door to what was, so you may open the door to a new future.  This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.   First, write down  – in great detail – what is that you will do different for the next holiday.  Here is an example:   Easter Sunday.   I have the Children this year:   We will wake up early and go to Service in the Park, outdoors, at sunrise.  We can invite our other friends that have young children.  The more children present, the more likely this will be a great experience for you and you kids.   We will go to brunch at ___(children’s favorite place – it may have to be McDonalds).  After brunch we can visit my____ mom, dad, sister, aunt, or anyone that brings joy to me and my children.  We will all go together and buy flowers and perhaps some chocolates as a gift with (some chocolates for the children of course) – after lunch, we can have more friends over – or- a quiet family movie night.  Get the picture?  Plan, Plan, Plan for a better (next) Holiday.

More to come on the topic on my next post….

Although many mediating couples are amicable and work well in mediation, there are also many couples who are very emotional about the divorce and don’t think they can negotiate face to face. Part of every qualified mediator’s training is in assisting couples who have high emotions, but who still would like to work things out peacefully. People do calm down and become effective mediation participants when they see that the process can work without adding to the high emotional and financial cost of divorce.  The presence of a neutral third party who allows time and space for each spouse to be heard can be reassuring and calming.  The mediator is trained to control heated discussions and focus conversations into problem solving sessions rather than rehashing of the past.  The divorce mediator will listen and extract the substantive issues that ultimately need to be addressed and solved.  Blame is a non-constructive expression of one’s disappointment.  While for many of us placing blame may feel good for an instant, regret may soon nullify the gratifying moment.  A good divorce mediator will educate the couple about the reasons behind the need to blame and provide conflict resolution techniques.  In divorce mediation you will have the opportunity to focus on creating solutions to the existing problems rather than perpetuate or rehash past conflict.

What if My Case is Too Complicated for Divorce Mediation?

By Angela I. Green, Esq

www.CTMediationCenter.com

No case is too complicated to be settled using mediation. Frequently the parties in mediation consult with outside experts such as accountants, appraisers, financial planners or certified divorce financial analyst and other attorneys during the process.  In many states, in litigated cases, before a litigated case can go to trial, the court requires the couple to go to one or more mediations.  Pretrial, are nothing more than mediations conducted by experience judges.  In Connecticut for example, a litigated case must be presented to a Special Masters conference in which a male attorney and a female attorney act as co-mediators for the case.  Majority of cases settle after this type of court imposed mediation. 90% of all divorce litigation settles in some sort of mediation, either pretrial conferences or private mediations.

If you believe your case is too complicated for divorce mediation divorcing couples can consider adding other tools to the tool box.  For example, collaborative divorce attorneys, mental health specialist, a parenting coordinator, communication coaches, a certified divorce financial analyst, an independent account, etc.  There are numerous other options available to divorcing spouses

Should I see an attorney during divorce mediation?

By Angela I. Green, Esq

www.CTMediationCenter.com

Mediation is not a substitute for the services of a qualified attorney. Both parties are encouraged to obtain independent legal advice during the mediation process and to have their lawyer review the agreement before it is signed. Even when the mediator is an attorney, she/he cannot give either party legal advice.  The divorce mediator can provide legal information about the process and various issues arising in the divorce.  The divorce mediator creates options based on the information you share in the mediation sessions.

The best mediation client is an informed and educated spouse.  Because knowledge is golden, a good divorce mediator strongly encourages the mediation client to meet with an independent review attorney to provide the spouses with independent legal advice and the knowledge necessary to make long- lasting, educated, informed decisions.  Some spouses may choose to meet with their reviewing attorney at the end of the mediation process in order for that attorney to look over all the financial documents prepared in mediation and the draft separation agreement.  Some spouses go to review attorneys only once at the beginning of the process.  Some spouses go to the attorneys at the beginning and end of mediation.  Some don’t go at all.   The reviewing attorney charges by the hour to review the divorce agreements and the cost should not be more than one to two hours of his or her hourly rate.